Parody of Eragon: The movie
by BohemianTypewriter
Summary: A parody of the movie of Eragon, because let's face it, it sucked. Based on iheartmwpp's parodies. It's in script form and rated T for abuse of the english language  excessive amount of swearing .
1. Chapter 1

CONSTAINS VERY STRONG LANGUAGE, ABOVE ELEVEN, TWELVE, AND STUFF

Scene begins.

**Cloud:** No…no please don't go there; I really don't want you to go there…ah! BAD TOUCH BAD TOUCH!

**Brom's creepy voice-over:** There was a time when the pretty land of Alaeasia was ruled by men carrying pointy swords with weird names astride vicious beasts.

**Mountains:** Well aren't we pretty.

**Brom's creepy voice-over: **To protect and serve was their mission. And for thousands of millennia the people prospered, and danced a lot, and sang a lot, and bought stuff, and were happy, except for the poor assholes that were poor. Their lives were pretty much as crappy as they were the as they are now.

**Mountains:** Well aren't we pretty.

**Brom's creepy voice-over**: But, the usual happened, and the riders completely fucked up the world by being impressed with themselves. They had a fight among themselves for power.

**Audience:** Wow. Shocker.

**Clouds:** Well aren't we pretty.

**Enormous metal-plate-thingy-covered with horns that dragons aren't supposed to have:** *exists* hey, don't hate me 'because I'm beautiful!

**Everyone:** Oh no, we hate you for exclusively different reasons.

**Brom's creepy-voice over:** a baby named Gal-Bah-To-Rix betrayed them. That arrogant old flop believed he'd killed them all in one single battle. And he was kinda sorta right, cause dragon eggs and dragons are not at all the same thing.

**Lights:** Well aren't we pretty.

**Dragon #4:** u r lyke _so_ dead.

**Enormous metal-plate-thingy-covered with horns that dragons aren't supposed to have:** I'm TOO PRETTY TO DIE!

**Dragon #4:** Yeah, _no._

**Brom's creepy-voice over:** since then our land has been ruled by him, he crushed all rebellion-

**Book readers:** NO! THE VARDEN LIVES!

**Ajihad: **I'm TOO PRETTY TO DIE!

**Me:** And apparently that's true, 'cause he's alive and kicking' by the end of the film. Hooray!

**Brom's creepy-voice over:** those that survived fled to the mountains.

**Mountains: ** Well aren't we pretty.

**Galbatorix: **I hate my life.

**Brom's creepy-voice over:** then, as the poor helpless people always do, they hoped for a miracle.

**Horses' hooves:** we make noise.

**Brom's creepy-voice over:** our story begins one night, as Arya-

**Book Readers**: THAT IS SO NOT ARYA THAT CANNOT BE ARYA, ARYA HAS BLACK HAIR AND GREEN EYES! THE WORLD IS ENDING!

**Faolin (I assume, could be Glenwing):** I am ugly and covered with hair.

**Book Readers:** kill us. _NOW._

**Me**: personally, I really like (d) Faolin. He actually sounded pretty cool. And guess what? They went and killed him. Where is the justice?

**Brom's creepy-voice over:** -rides for her life, carrying a stone.

**Creepy building with light flickering inside:** *is creepy. And has light flickering inside*

**Readers:** No?

**Galbatorix: **I suffer without my stone. Without it I cannot put my feet up, and they hurt. _DONOT PROLONG MY SUFFERING OR I SHALL TEAR YOUR INTESTINES OUT AND FEED THEM TO SHURIKAN._

**Shade:** I am whipped.

**Book Readers**: the shade has long hair. Now I've seen everything. *go in search for a suitable place to commit suicide*

**Moon:** Well aren't I pretty.

**Me:** Isn't it irritating that they always show the moon in movies to be bigger than it actually is? Although this one isn't that blown up.

**Clouds:** we cover you.

**Moon: **I hate my life.

**Eragon's pants:** What did I ever do to you?*sob* I hate you!

**Book readers:** OMFG. ERAGON IS BLOND. *forced calm* gee, I wonder why I've got a feeling this movie isn't going to be that great?

**Filmmakers:** *Hysterical laughter*

**Eragon**: *picks up jacket and blows out the candle*

**Candle:** *sings softly* it's a small world after all…oi!

**Garrow: **I move slightly to make it obvious that I am _not_ asleep. I regularly shift and make noises in my sleep.

**Eragon:** *stops to look lovingly at his uncle, making his wide, ugly mug clearly visible, and if he wasn't his uncle, I'd think Eragon was gay, which he may well be, since he doesn't seem to have much luck with girls* And I naively believe he's asleep.

**Me:** That's not the Eragon of my dreams…

**Eragon fangirls:** *do not exist anymore*

**Ed Speleers fangirls:** *also do not exist*

**Arya fanpeople:** *exist* I'm totally getting why Arya didn't want to get up with you…

**Me: **OMG, I just wrote get up instead of get together. *snigger*

**Everyone: **_**Go. **_

**Eragon: **No, I wanna look at my _blood related uncle_ sleeping for some more time.

**Me: **Okay, I am a pervert.

**Everyone: **_Go. _

**Eragon:** *picks up bow, leaves*

**ENTIRE UNIVERSE:** *sighs*

**Eragon:** *sticks his head through door* Sighs of love and adoration, right? *wiggles eyebrows*

**Me:** Listen, I know this is really hard for you, being universally hated by the entire universe, but the thing is, _**we don't like you.**_ Sigh of relief that we _no longer have to see yo hideous, we-can't-believe-you-made-it-into-a-movie face, you asshole! And now YOU COME BACK TO INFURIATE US FURTHER!_

**Eragon:** *lower lip tremble*

**Me:** _Beat it._

**Brom's creepy-voice over: **Miles away (thankfully) a young boy ventures out hunting. His life is changed forever and stuff.

**Shade's eyes:** *sing softly* _Get me with those green eyes, baby, as he lights go down… _

**Book Readers: **_**HIS EYES ARE**_-you know, I'm not doing this anymore.

**Arya:** Hello again my darlings!

**Shade's hair:** Well aren't I pretty.

**Shade's nose:** Well aren't I pretty.

**Shade:** Hissy bang.

**Shade:** I stand in clear sight and apparently am immune to trampling horses. Ooh, watch as I strangely raise my hand in a gesture to the hornless Urgals trampling around in the pathetic undergrowth.

**Urgal: **I love my job. *girlish giggle*

**Faolin:** I never saw Palancar Valley!*dies*

**Glenwing:** I never saw my mother!

**Everyone:** _What?_

**Glenwing: ***mutters* it's nothing, forget about it. *dies*

**Arya:** He always was a little strange.*falls down* OMFG, you Urgals ruined my dress! Do you have any idea how hard it is to find this rare silk lining?

**Eragon:** *giggle* I am _so_ sneaky!

**Me:** The noise he's making…if I were a deer I'd skedaddle. It's totally disgusting.

**Deer:** oh, what joy to live on this sleepy little forest, free of hunters?

**Eragon:** I draw an arrow. *holds up a picture of an arrow*

Arya: *runs, holding a gigantic sword, her sweaty face shining*

Fire: I can live! I can fight!

Arya: Buzz off! *turns*

Me: you know these last lines? Lather, rinse, repeat.

Shade: Oh baby watch as I walk through the flames, aren't I gorgeous? Also, give it to me.

Arya: Durza.

Me: Okay, since when are those two on a first-name basis? What just went through my mind is totally disgusting.

Shade: And I'll buy you a new dress.

Arya: *writhes in agony* ooh, I did so want a new dress! But what if I do, and you get me one that's out of style or bye pair of pants instead, like you did last time? That would be really really mean. *lifts the stone*

Shade:…shit.

_(Written in the style of iheartmwpp's parodies) Will only continue if gets good reviews._


	2. Chapter 2

_Okay, first and foremost, a million thanks to all the people who reviewed so far. I was honestly expecting this story to just sit of Fanfiction and accumulate dust, and was really surprised when you guys reviewed. I found myself opening the profile page again and again while I was at school (or anywhere with Internet access, really) to reread my reviews. You guys rock._

_Secondly, a few details of the story. It will probably be updated on weekends, but regularly. I'll probably continue it. And if you review, I will grow wings and fly around the room._

_Wow, I'm really not subtle with my review begging, am I?_

_Whatever. On with the story now._

Eragon: Tee hee, I get my winning shot!

Light: *flashes*

Eragon: OMG WTF?

Deer: *is suddenly transformed into a Patronus*

Light: *fades*

Eragon: *still has his 'OMG WTF?' face on, which is ridiculous*

Arrow: Holy crap I'M ON FIRE!

Audience: Stop, drop, roll!

Me: Hang on, that was probably just me…

Smoke: Well it was nice knowing you, dragon egg, old buddy old pal. *curls away slowly*

~Hello I am Sara. I am your page break here to tell you that suddenly we are going to some other place in the movie, and other than that, I have no purpose whatsoever~

Shade: I walk sexy. I also wear sexy shoes. *walks forwards and leans over Arya, while making the stupidest face ever. Seriously, watch the movie. It's the same look I get when I walk into math class*

Arya: *does a dolphin flip* Eek!

Me: You know, those aren't really sensible clothes for riding. I mean, high heeled boots and a knee length WHITE dress? This is long, hard work, riding is, not a Taylor Swift video.

Shade: Shut up. *turns to Arya and growls menacingly* Bitch, tell me fast where you sent it. Hopefully I'll still be able to get an Emirates flight.

Arya: Close up of my pretty face, please, camera.

Male members of audience: *drool*

Female members of audience: *also drool*

Arya: Ooh, poor baby. I bet Mommy Gabby gives you the old hairbrush-spoon spanking when she finds out about this.

Shade: NOBODY TALKS ABOUT MY MOMMY LIKE THAT!

Arya: *writhes* OMG, RAPE!

Shade: What, no!

Arya: Molester!

Shade: Girl, calm down, there are kids in this theatre. I won't do something REALLY bad.

Arya: Your emphasis does nothing to reassure me.

~Hello, it is I again, Sara. We are now shifting back to the blond in the forest you all forgot about. No, don't even lie, you totally did~

Eragon: *takes his sweet time walking to the stone*

Eragon: *reads over my shoulder* Hey! I'll let you know I was walking, putting my bow on the ground, kneeling, and lifting one knee at the same time! That takes talent!

Me: …Shut up and get back into the movie before the fangirls hear about this.

Eragon: *shudders* Gladly. *leaves*

Me: *sighs* He's really quite hot close up…Nah, prob'ly just the lights.*turns back to laptop*

Eragon: I pick up the stone. *picks up the stone*

Me: Who holds a shiny curved stone up to their face like that, like they're about to take a bite out of it?

Arya: Ooh, my senses are tingling...oh dear, someone's already found the stone, I hope it's Brom! Although I was a little distracted while casting the spell…the stone may have gone too far!

Shade:…

Arya: …

Shade: You do realize you said all that out loud?

Arya: …Crap.

Wow, only six minutes and I've already finished two chapters? This is gonna be long.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks for reviewing!_

Random Dude: Two more volunteers of the king's army!

Audience: *is confused since men being dragged off by other men in armour and with bleeding foreheads doesn't really look much like volunteering*

Book readers: *are also confused*

Horst: Hi! I am Horst! I am also half bald, small and hairy at the same time. I am a miracle of mordern science.

Elain: Dude, our sons are kind of BEING DRAGGED AWAY TO DEATH! Why don't you fucking STOP them?

Horst: Oi my sons are not fighters!

Elain: ...That was pathetic. *launches herself at Random Dude*

Random Dude: Oi! Control your woman, Horst!

Horst: Yes sir! *drags Elain away*

Random Dude:...It would have been a lot more impressive if they didn't do that every year.

~Hello, it is I, Sara. We are now going to a charming little shop-_holy crap dude watch what you do with that knife_!~

Eragon: *walks into the shop like he owns it*

Sloan: Hey Errie. You in the mood for emptying your coffers? This meat is pretty sweet. The king loves it, the fat just...melts...into the meat.

Eragon:*is drooling* How much?

Sloan: How much? ROFLMAO!

Eragon: *is serious*

Sloan: Oh Eragon, my boy, you make my days without even realising it. Dude, this is way out of MY budget, no way you're gonna buy it.

Eragon: I have something. Something to trade.

Sloan:...You thinking what I'm thinking? *drops eyes to a sugestive place in Eragon's anatomy*

Eragon:..._What? __**No!**_

Sloan: Eh, it was worth a try. Whatcha got there? *grabs hold of the impressively big, thick, warm, hard...stone...*

Eragon: It's a stone.

Non-book readers: No kidding.

Book readers: Haha, that's all YOU know. *sit around looking smart*

Eragon: I was hunting. I found it. In...the Spine.

Me: DUN DUN DUN!

Sloan: *loses his temper and beats Eragon to a pulp and kicks him out without selling him anything. Dick*

~This is Sara. We have left the shop. Thank goodness, that butcher fellow was very creepy~

Me: I have an irrational fear of bald men.

Random Dude: Look, hey pal, don't you think this necklace would look nice on my girl?

Random Dude's pal: ...You don't have one.

Random Dude: Not yet. Watch me bully this old man, and I'll be a total chick magnet.

Brom: Oh, well I found them.

Eragon: ?

Brom: *bursts into song* Three little birds, sat on the window, and they told me I don't need to worry-

Random Dude: So you killed them for no reason?

Brom: I was hungry.

Random Dude: You were hungry...so instead of eating them you hung them up.

Brom: ...Shut up.

Random Dude: Whatever, I'm taking them. *takes them, and kicks the tiny stool Brom was sitting on* Like taking candy from a baby.

Brom: *pulls out a needle*

Random Dude: *pulls out a chainsaw*

Brom: I am so screwed. *gives up the birds*

_Tell me if I should increase my chapter length._


	4. Chapter 4

_:O I have reviews! Oh my god, I love you guys __**so**__ much. Be awesome like and tell me what your favorite parts were, so that I can understand what you like and give it to you ;) And now, to the stinky piece of crap you all seem to like :)_

~Hello, Sara here. We are now in this stinky shack of wood where our majestic main character lives. In a shack! Of wood! What has this generation come to?~

Light: Well aren't I pretty.

Man in a girly straw hat: *straightens up* I am bald.

Me: *crouches behind sister in fear*_** What is it with his movie and baldness?**_

Eragon: *is admittedly quite nice-looking as he walks up to the Man in a girly Straw Hat* Hey!

Man in a girly Straw Hat: 'Sup.

Roran: I am hot and sweaty and running with my hair all messy. Also, my infinitely more awesome baby cousin has returned, with an invisible deer.

Eragon: ...Wow. That's not even funny.

Roran: *walks up and slings his arm around Eragon in a very gay way*

Eragon: Umm...

Roran: What happened little bro? Big scary deer chased you away?

Eragon: Umm...*slowly walks away*

Roran: I follow you. Now li'l bro...come at the big boy.

Eragon: I am very scared for my virginity.

Roran: *takes a step forwards with a seductive look*

Eragon: *panics and pushes his cousin away*

Roran: Don't you ever learn?

Eragon: *gives up*

~And you can imagine what happens next. On second thought, don't, it's highly disturbing. Now we go to the pathetic residence of Eragon~

Eragon: *panting* OMG, i never want to do that again. *picks up stone and then...puts it down*

~Wow. That was brief. Well, now Sara will take you to some potatoes~

Niall Horan: PATATOE!

Me: *melts* Ok, I am a Directioner. Deal with it.

Roran and Eragon: *are hot and sweaty*

Fangirls: *scream*

Roran: Eragon...

Eragon: No.

Roran: But I haven't even said anything yet!

Eragon: It's still no.

Roran: I'm leaving.

Eragon: ...What.

Roran: I'm old enough to be dragged off to a violent and bloody death. I don't want that to happen so I'm going to leave.

Eragon: *desolate expression*

Roran:...You're taking this a lot worse than I expected you to.

Man in a girly Straw Hat...I mean Garrow: Hey you dumb butts come in already!

~Hello. I am fairly sick of this frequet location changes. I hope I'll get a raise from this strange author person soon~

Me: *looks in sock of money worriedly*

**Review...or I will steal Garrow's straw hat and hide it in your underwear drawer. YES I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU.**

**Well that was cheerful. Until next time, my lovelies!**


	5. Chapter 5

Garrow: Roran told you then?

Eragon: Since when did you gain psychic powers Garrow?

Garrow: I don't have psychic powers; I simply have very good hearing.

Eragon:*makes a stupid face that somehow manages to convey he vast emotional pool swirling inside him to Garrow*

Garrow: You'll have to fuck off someday soon too Eragon. And then I'll finally be free!

Eragon: Nice to know you care, Garrow. Thanks, I really needed to hear that.

Garrow: Anytime.

Eragon: But I like living a pathtic hopeless life right here where there are no marriageable females and rough ways of life and hard labour and this stinky shack. I like my life right here.

Garrow: *starts to wonder about his nephew's sanity, which every reader of this parody is unquestionably doing* Well, some people are just weird, I guess. Sensible ones want to explore, enjoy their lives.

Eragon: *brooding* Like my mum?

Garrow: Touché. Your mum was in a great hurry when she left, which has NOTHING to do with what you want to know but I'm throwing in anyway, and she left you. You wanna know why?

Eragon: Y-es. *tremblingly*

Garrow: Because she doesn't love you.

Eragon: *lower lip tremble*

Garrow: But I do!

Eragon: *watery smile* Thanks, Uncle, I needed to hear that.

~Hello, now it is morning, and we are having a pointless far-away view of the shack of wood. I'm getting sick of this~

Garrow: Here. These are 2 pieces of corn and a safety pin.

Roran: *falls onto the floor in shock and has a fit* For ME? josdndbuvwijincjna;ifiehfhurvb

Eragon: Hmph. All I got was a lousy bendy straw.

Roran and Eragon: *walk away*

Close-up of Garrow's face: *is terrifying*

~And now we look through the branches of a dead tree. The dead tree is infintely important. It is integral to out very existance~

Roran: Be strong brother.

Eragon: *wipes away the gallons of tears on his face and they exchange a hot, furious, fast, wild...hug*


	6. Chapter 6

_I don't own Potter Puppet Pals._

~And now we can see Emo!Eragon staring out into the sunset. Again, hurray pointlessness!~

Eragon: Wow, Rowan has been gone for barely a few hours and I'm already missing him.

Me: No, you don't have a life.

Eragon: You bitch. I hate you! *runs away crying*

Me: He hates me? *happy dance* Ladies and gentlemen, my work here is done. =D

~That was so pointless. And now, back to Emo!Eragon sitting in the dark staring at the floor. POINTLESS!~

Eragon: *sings sadly* Roran o Roran where hast thou fled? Did thee tarry too long among pathetic men? Did thee roll off my bosom and cease to exist? How I wish I could ses thee...You are being missed.

Me: *incredulous* That's overdoing it a bit, Eragon, don't you think?

Eragon: ...What a silly question. Of course I don't think.

Me: True, true.

Candle Flame: Reach for the sky!

Dragon Egg: I is wobbling.

Me: Saphira! OMGWTF finally!

Eragon: *stands there with the OMGWTF face that annoys the heck out of me*

Egg: EXPLOSION!

Saphira: *rolls*

Audience: AWWW! Ish a baby!

Saphira: *rolls upright and coughs out a lung on the floor*

Eragon: XD

Me: Not how I imagined it, but eh, good enough.

Eragon: Not a stone, an egg!

Audience: Wow...that kid's a genius.

Me: My eight year old sister said the exact same thing... _before_ he did.

Saphira's Wings: *are appropriately bat-like*

Eragon: Look at you!

Saphira: Get me a mirror bitch.

Eragon: ...Well that was blunt. WHAT ARE YOU?

Saphira: ...Ok, clearly I'm with the wrong member of this family. Where's the dude I hatched for?

Eragon: I am he.

Saphira: Well, if it really is you..._Alagaesia is screwed._

Eragon: *touches Saphira*

LIGHT!: *Is blinding*

Brom: *jolts violently and flies through the air landing face-down in the middle of a huge wedding cake*

Random Dude: *jolts violently and flies through the air landing face-down in the middle of a huge wedding cake*

~Really Authoress? Really? This is getting silly~

Arya: *jolts violently and flies through the air landing face-down in the middle of a huge wedding cake*

_**Review...or Sara will get the sack.**_

_Sara: NO!_


	7. Chapter 7

YES. I'M ALIVE. AND YOU'D BETTER REVIEW. OR I KILL MYSELF.

Eragon: *wakes up*

Saphira: *also wakes up*

Audience: AWWWWWW!

Book Readers: Wait, what happened to the whole watch the sunrise thing?

Filmmakers: Don't you get it? We're breaking all the rules of humanity now.

Book Readers:

Eragon: Oh, my hand.

Book Readers: WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK IS THAT THING? THIS IS SO WRONG! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! THE MARK IS SUPPOSED TO BE SILVER AND SHINY!

Non-Book Readers: Shut up and enjoy the movie.

Garrow: ERAGON-WAKE UP-AND GET TO WORK!

Eragon: *mutters* Child labor…

Saphira: *runs off purposefully* How is it child labor if you're seventeen?

Eragon: It's still labor.

Saphira: Feed me bitch. I'm a fucking newborn and I'm only just learning how to breathe and beat my heart and move, I need food.

Eragon: Okayyy…I have some energy juice here.

Saphira: WHAT. THE FUCK.

~And it all went downhill from there~

I WILL UPDATE IF YOU REVIEW. ONLY THEN.


	8. Chapter 8

_Dear sarathesmall,_

_Thank you for not being afraid to give me your opinion. I'll admit, being thirteen, I'm insecure about my writing and I beg for reviews to make myself feel better. That last chapter was actually longer-Fanfiction just deleted chunks of the text, probably because I used double question marks. Anyway, thank you for reviewing; I'll try to be less of a review-beggar. _

_PS: I do try to put in effort. I tried hard on my other stories. I was a little silly on this one because today is the day I finished my exams. I was just trying to say that I will be updating soon._

_Okay, sorry for delaying you guys, and you too sara._

_And now we begin!_

Shade: *is walking* My king, my lord, the Supreme Leader of the-

Galbatorix: Cut the crap and get to the point. I'm a busy man; I have a meeting to attend.

Shade: The dragon hatched.

Galbatorix: WHAT?

Shade: *ninja-fast* But to a farm boy.

Galbatorix: This is distressing. I do not want this to be happening to me at all.

Shade: But he's just a baby!

Galbatorix: It's the babies who are the strongest. I mean, look at Harry Freaking Potter.

Shade: *is delighted* You read that series?

Galbatorix: No, but I've seen all the movies!

Shade: …

Potterheads:…

Me:…

Shade: …Get out of this room.

Galbatorix: You can't order me out of my own room! *starts walking down the rudely carved stone steps*

Shade: Ummm…*backs away*

Galbatorix: I don't like challenges.

Shade: But-

Galbatorix: Don't interrupt me in the middle of a sentence!

Shade: But you finished it!

Galbatorix: STOP DOING THAT! Now, where was I? Ah yes. There are people out there, people who are willing to fight against me. I cannot let them have hope.

Shade: *uncomfortable*

Galbatorix: *walks up to Shade and stands next to him, tenderly brushing the hair away from his face*

Shade: Ummm…*thinking_* Oh my god, this is potentially the most horrendous thing that has ever happened to me! Does he watch me while I sleep? Does he follow me around? Does he sparkle in the sun?_

~Yes. The Shade is also a Twilight fan~

Eragon's hand: *is there*

Book Readers: *facepalm*

Saphira: Heyyyy.

Eragon: Does your mother know you're here?

Saphira:

Eragon: That's right, you don't have one. We should date.

Saphira: Sorry, martial intimacies are physically impossible due to the difference in our sizes. Also, it would screw up the entire series and leave the readers scarred for life.

Eragon: True, true. So your mother abandoned you too?

Saphira: It seems so.

Eragon: I guess we're in the same boat then. *loving stroke*

~That was sappy. Oh look SHINY~

Shade: *does the Titanic arms-spread-hug-thingy*

Book readers: What the fuck?

Audience: What the fuck?

Shade: RA'ZAC!

BATS!: *are flying*

Me: Those last two lines? Lather, rinse, repeat.

Book Readers: Okay, that is _not_ how we imagined that. Nope, not at all.

Shade: RA'ZAC!

Ra'zac:*are zombies made of bats* Yes boss?

Shade: Kill the rider, the book readers totally forgot about you.

~What the fuck just happened?*


End file.
